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How to Help Muslims Get Married: Tips for Parents and Imams

Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world. According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent. The world’s highest is the general U.S. population’s of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom’s of 36 percent.

Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences. But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began. Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:

The older woman noticed her instantly.   The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin. As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion. The woman rushed up. “Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.

“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted. “I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend. “But, but why,” she stammered.

“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!” (This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed)

While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter. If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.

1. Understand your role.
Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child’s marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process.

They: Suggest individuals as prospective spouses.
Thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references.
Act as the third party between the two candidates.
2. Talk to your kids about what you both want.

Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids’ ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected. Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable. Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.

Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.

3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate.

Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates. Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and a woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry. Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.

Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together,both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions.One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.

4. Give an allotted time for the meeting. Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.

5. Investigate thoroughly. One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.

Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary. The case of one Imam’s daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.

Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal. One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.

6. Be honest. Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.

Inflating your son or daughter’s educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.

7. Take your time.

Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references. Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.

8. Never be pushy. Another true story

A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America’s most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself. Why?

Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with. This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.

Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations. Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.

Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children’s future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?

HOW IMAMS CAN HELP.

Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it or not, responsible for their community’s emotional and psychological well-being as well. So Imams don’t just officiate marriages. They have to become involved with them as well. This role can take three main forms.

1. Being a guardian for sisters. Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they don’t have the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most cases they have been cast out of their families because of their conversion to Islam, or they just don’t want non-Muslim family members involved in their marriage decisions.

This is where you, as an Imam, must step in .These sisters need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf. Being new to the Muslim community, they don’t usually know who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community. Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you directly, so you may have to take the first step.

2. Vouching for good brothers. An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest and decent brothers marry with your “stamp of approval” will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many Muslim women’s parents and third party will feel a sense of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend or relative does.

3. Providing the right information. The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someone’s Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation, who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.

As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level. This can also help a third party seeking information about a prospective candidates who attends your mosque.

4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting).

While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage investigations are an exception to this rule. As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain the business of the individual who has told you in general, in the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about someone you know has a problem. If a father wants to know about the character of a brother who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this father. His daughter’s life is at stake here.

Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah and part of our faith.

Selecting Marriage Partner

Marriage is recommended for partners who share a common way of life. The matrimonial partners should be able to fulfill their purpose of creation as defined by Allah. They should be able to effectively carry out their responsibility as care-takers (khalifah) of earth. They should share the common goal of building a well integrated Muslim community and be able to work harmoniously towards it. Criteria for Selecting a Marriage Partner

Normally the criteria for selecting matrimonial mates are many: wealth, beauty, rank, character, congeniality, compatibility, religion, etc. The Quran enjoins Muslims to select partners who are good and pure (tayyib)
"Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity." (Quran 24:26)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (din) and character.
"A man may married for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". (Bukhari and Muslim)

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) assured the bounty of Allah to those who wish to get married and live a pure and clean life.
"Three groups of people Allah obliged Himself to help them: Mujahid in the cause of Allah, a worker to pay his debt, and the one who wants to marry to live a chaste life." (Tirmidhi)

Freedom to Choose a Marriage Partner Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married. The mutual choice of the would-be-spouses is given the highest consideration:

"Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner." (Quran 2:232)
The process of mate selection should be a function of a healthy balance between the freedom of choice of the would-be-spouses and consideration of the influence and consent of the parents/guardians.

The freedom of choice of those who wish to get married should not preclude the influence and consent of the parents/guardians nor should the parents/guardians ignore the wishes and consent of the would be spouses. Falling in love is not a pre-condition for marriage in Islam. However, for the purpose of selecting an appropriate mate, the would-be- spouses are allowed to see and/or talk to each other.

Prophet Muhammad (S) recommended:
"When one of you seeks a woman in marriage, and then if he is able to have a look at whom he wishes to marry, let him do so". (Abu Dawood)

The would-be-spouse are allowed to see each other for matrimonial purposes under the direct supervision of their mahram relatives. This provision is expected to be conceived and executed with piety and modesty. Prophet Muhammad (S) instructed:

"No man has the right to be in the privacy with a woman who is not lawful for him. Satan is their third party unless there is a mahram". (Ahmad)
The would-be-spouses residing in non-Muslim societies are recommended to enter into a pre-nuptial commitment to safeguard Islamic values and Muslim personal law.

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful,
the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our
beloved and humble prophet Muhammad,and upon his family and
companions.

When marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times, Muslims
become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage,
trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a financial
burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islam came
to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately
we have integrated our local  traditions and customs with Islam
so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather
than a delightful experience.

When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society,
the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a
result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome.
He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at
him  in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the
wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on, when he said: "O young
men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it
restrains the eyes from  casting (evil glances), and preserves
one from immorality..."

When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question
to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her
qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and
peaceful household, and how you will know who she is.

As Muslims, we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and
that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life.
So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and
that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.

WHO TO MARRY

Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The
Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons:
for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so
try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." This
specifically defines  just what kind of a companion we are
seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her
religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery.

True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not
last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and
religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly
status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it
may be that through your intention of marrying her for her
religion, the rest is given to you anyway.  In another hadith,
the Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world is a provision, and
the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman."
Imagine!  Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious
woman!  This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah
(s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the
most, mentioned  a pious woman. Once the following ayah was
revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it
in the way of Allah, unto  them give tidings of a painful doom.
On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of
Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be
branded therewith (and it will be said to them):  'Here is what
you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard'
"[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been quoted to say that,
when this ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w),
submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the
Sahaba. Rasulallah (s.a.w) replied that the best  thing to be
treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen,
obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her
husbands property when he is away. Abu Bakr once asked
Rasulallah  (s.a.w) what was the best thing to be treasured, and
he (s.a.w) replied: "the tongue in remembrance of Allah, the
heart filled with thanks to Allah, and a pious wife who helps in
virtuous deeds".  Look at how valuable  such a woman is in the
sight of Allah! How can a man live unhappily with such a
person.

QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN

Alright, you say, you've convinced me, but what actually makes
her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allah himself has
described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur'an, and
in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the virtuous
attributes of a  pious woman.

The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you
should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative
qualities.  The following are some ayahs on the attributes of
the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and
appreciative qualities.

"And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity
are for women of purity"[s.24;v.26]

"Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard
in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them
guard"[s.4;v.34]

"It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him
in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who
believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who
worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and
fast..."[s.66;v.5].

And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities
loved by Allah, qualities which by the way should be evident in
both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the
following attributes:

-a Muslim woman

-a believing woman

-a devout woman

-a true woman

-a woman who is patient and constant

-a woman who humbles herself

-a woman who gives charity

-a woman who fasts and denies herself

-a woman who guards her chastity

-a woman who engages much in Allah's praise.

Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by
Allah because of her religious qualities: "O Maryam! Worship
your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with
those who bow down"[s.3;v.43].  Another was the wife of Pharaoh:
"And  Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the
wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in
nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden' "[s.66;v.11].

The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of their religious
qualities.  Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab:
"(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in
the eyes of Allah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never seen a
woman more  advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more
God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood,
more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in
practical life and having more  charitable disposition and thus
more closer to Allah, the Exalted, than her."

Ahh, you think, but you'll never find such a woman! Well, if
that was true, Allah would not have described her in the first
place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the
women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction.
Sure, the  perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you take a
dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah
brings about through it a great deal of good"[s.4;v.19].
Remember also that you are not perfect  either.

KNOWING WHO SHE IS

To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and
that firstone relies on your personal observation. In surah
Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should "lower
their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display
their beauty and  ornaments," and also that they "should not
strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden
ornaments"[s.24;v.31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly,
being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice
when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions
(which includes her external beauty as well as her internal
charms), then you know she has some of those precious
qualities.  When you see a woman unashamedly flirting,
unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses
with males- keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get married
you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty
other "just good friends".

Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature;
for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she
maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time
etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her weak
ones.

Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important
topic. You can look all you want ather, set a private investigator
to track her movements, read her diaries (all of which I consider
extreme and unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart
and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more
religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allah.

TRUST IN ALLAH

We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her
religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe
me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost
sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.

Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do
so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and
proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His
infinite knowledge and wisdom.

Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation
nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust
in Allah.

It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the
Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a
special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in
all matters which affected them.  Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When
you are confused  about what you should do in a certain
situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the
following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."

I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its
negligence.  We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life,
knowledgeable only enough to survive.  So why shouldn't we turn
to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah
responds to the  call of His servant when he asks for guidance,
and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please
Him.

Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims
will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a
dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour
is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of
this salaat.

The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you
go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or
not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or
against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be
blessed with a  dream. Note that you must follow the results of
an istikharah, because  not doing so is tantamount to rejecting
Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should
firstly clear your mind, not have your  mind already decided,
and then afterwards follow the results willingly.

The  Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage.
She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her
intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything
until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive,
answered her plea for  help and revealed an ayah approving of
the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a
proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet
she was just recognising that it is Allah who  knows how
successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of
appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al
Qur'an.

The  Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream
for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth
and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth)
from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from
Allah, let  Him carry it out' ".

Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If
marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the
best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken
the Muslim household.  Consider that she will be your life-long
companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her
worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and
knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose
her for her status in the sight  of Allah. Beauty is but
superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent.

When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful
names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and
dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189].
Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be
among  those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our
offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the
righteous"[al-Furqan,74].

I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must
put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for
us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in
Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in
Him"[s.3;v.159].

May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His
commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us
with wives whom He loves.

"When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to
them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls
on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and
believe in Me: that they may walk in the right
way"[al-Baqarah,v.186].

By: IBRAHIM ABU KHALID